Things I Learned From My Grandmother

This is my grandmother (Nanny) at Thanksgiving 2002. She always had a messy house and a warm heart

• Be a uniter, not a divider - Nanny always wanted people to just get along with each other. So many times, a couple people in the family would fight with each other over various things. All she wanted was for us to love each other. I'm not saying she was a saint, just that she understood that bitterness hurt yourself far more than it hurt others. That we should pull together and love each other. When members got separated from each other, she was always on the phone calling them and bringing them back into our lives. She knew a very important lesson: it was the people who mattered.
• They don't give you credit for being a martyr unless you complain about it - Having said that, she was the first to complain about how much she did for everybody else. It got so it was very entertaining. She would do something nicer than I've ever seen anybody do, and then the very next minute start harping on how tough it was. It was human nature writ large -- the desire to do good always balanced against the desire to protect yourself.
• Getting old sucks - At some point if you don't die, you get old. Perhaps that is 50, 60 or 70. But then at some point, if you are lucky, you get really old. As Nanny ploughed into her mid 80s it came to the point that most every reference point she had in her life: parents, brothers and sisters, husband, school chums -- they were all gone. And the ones that were left were all fighting the odds. I remember one week a couple of years ago that Nanny had two friends die in the same week. When I spoke with her over the last ten years or so (many times on the phone because I was out traveling the country consulting) she would cry. It hurt me. She would talk some too about not being around forever. A few weeks ago, during this last decline, she told me she was old and she would be leaving soon. "Nanny. I love you and if you leave me, I am going to miss you a lot" Her eyes perked up a bit and she said, "Well. I reckon you will." Getting old sucks.
• If you visit, you must eat - There is some unwritten rule about life in the Southern United States that says if you visit, you must eat. I am not sure who started this rule, but they had to be a fat person. You simply did not visit my grandmother without getting something to eat. If you were not careful, she would start on biscuits, ham, and who knows what else while you were there. People started measuring how long they visited Nanny by how much they ate. My uncle Paul usually only stayed long enough for piece of pie. I usually got out by the time desert rolled around (and have the stomach to show for it!) There is wisdom here. Over the past few years, I have started doing more business lunches. For some reason, I have found that people bond better over food. I think the sharing and the pacing of eating and talking makes for a stronger connection than just talking in a conference room somewhere. Thanks Nanny!
• Children are never wrong - For Nanny, children were never wrong. I remember looking at a house with her many years ago. As we were looking, my younger son had grabbed a screwdriver and was sticking it in all the electrical sockets! I yelled at him, scared, and took the screwdriver. To my astonishment, she leaned over and patted him on the head. "That's okay, Charles." she said. To Nanny, the children were always right. No matter what they did. I am still amazed that she was able to be this way.
• Always have good social intelligence - Nanny knew the dirt on everybody within a ten mile range of her house. I'd ask her about somebody we saw in the paper and she could tell me the person and the family.

  Then came the secret southern phrase

  "Bless her heart," Nanny would say, pausing for effect, "she couldn't help it if her husband was an alcoholic and she ran up those bills too high. If her son hadn't been in prison all those years for drugs, things might have been different."

  I am not sure what the "bless her heart" meant. But Nanny was able to bless a lot of hearts. When she sad "bless their heart" I got out the paper and pen. Somewhere the NSA is building an international intelligence database, and they're probably really sorry they didn't talk to her before she went.

  I don't think she meant anything mean by it. She just understood that to understand someone you needed to be able to put them into context. It's a lesson that I still keep close to my heart (bless it). When I'm consulting, in order to help people I need to know where they are coming from. Whether you call that gossip, dirt, whatever, I need it. Of course, I have to have a LOT more discretion than Nanny had, but the theory is the same: the more you know, the more you can help.
  



• Go to Church - This one I'm still struggling with, as most religions don't have a lot to offer me. But she went whenever she could, and she wanted the rest of us to go too. Maybe one day I'll figure this one out.

So long, Nanny. I will miss you a lot. Thanks for the lessons and I will try to remember them.

This is her on Christmas of the same year. She loved having all the family come to visit her while she sat in the big comfy chair in the living room.